TOP 5 SARCASTIC WIENERS FOR THE YEAR ENDING JULY 20, 2002

 

1. Scott Dwayne Iverson, 14 wieners

There's not much to say that hasn't already been said about this year's Sarcasm King. He's been there since the beginning, uttering his first sarcastic wiener on July 20, 2001. Iverson's style is relentless, and has gotten him into numerous pots of hot water. However, it is this very tenacity that has propelled him to the top of the rankings and allows him the title of Undisputed Sarcasm King, Year 1. It is thought he obtains his secret sarcastic powers from beer and possibly an additive contained in Joe's Place's Very Salty Popcorn.

Been a wiener since: July 20, 2001
Best wiener: November 26, 2001: for saying that he was sure Tracy "would be happy to create a virus tinkering training module" after finding seeker.gen on a work computer.
For more information: www.iversys.com

2. Franklin Broz, 13 wieners

Mr. Broz is the nupro dog vitamins sobering yin to Mr. Iverson's raging yang. Where Iverson's sarcastic style leaves nothing to the imagination, fbroz is content to work his sarcasm in subversive and often sinister ways. He is one of the pioneers in the practice of multi-step sarcasm, a philosophy that often gives the audiences the pieces to the sarcastic puzzle but requires them to make the pieces fit (or not) themselves. It has been widely speculated, but never independently verified, that fbroz's copious sarcastic reserve is the product of years of misunderstanding that pinned the label "townie" on him. He is quick to point out that he is Batavian-American.

Been a wiener since: September 4, 2001
Best wiener: November 28, 2001: for his sarcastic addendum to Tracy's anti-installing-viruses-on-work-computers email that read: "Also, please make sure that you don't get run over the next time you are in an autoparts store..."
For more information: Content > Fluf

3. Matthew Q. Raw, 9 wieners

Dr. Raw is the founder of Sarcastic Mattbot's Super Sarcastic Website 5000. He feels he could have more wiener points if only people understood what he was talking about more of the time. Like Mr. Iverson, his diet consists primarily of cheap beer and salty popcorn. He attributed his third-place performace this year to his aging knees and frequently likes to deflect attention away from himself and toward the up-and-coming sarcastic rookies. During the off-season, Dr. Raw can be found curled up with his cat on the floor in a ray of sunlight.

Been a wiener since: July 20, 2001
Best wiener: October 5, 2001 (Obscene Joe's Place edition): for telling the Joe's Place waitress that we needed "a couple of sober pinch hitters here" when she asked if we needed anything else.
For more information: asstastic.org

4. Robert Thompson-1, 8 wieners

Sarcasm hasn't always come easily for our fourth-place finisher. Born with the rare disease Acaciaitis that severly hampers the sarcastic neurons in one's brain, Mr. Thompson has fought through adversity and risen to (near) the top of the sarcastic pile. Robert's style has often assumed the form of trial-and-error; jokes are tried again and again until the perfect combination is found (see: I'm Fraaaaaank joke series, vols. 1-5). Mr. Thompson's star is rising in the sarcastic world, though. With the recent acquisition of pen15club.com, we expect great things in the near future.

Been a wiener since: September 24, 2001
Best wiener: January 10, 2002: after Matt directed Prell to email Frank with an out-of-context quote because it wasn't sarcastic, Robert responded that "that's where all the rejects for sarcastic wieners go."
For more information: Oculon.org

5. "Mizidy" Mark Ahrens, 6 wieners

Mr. Ahrens's contribution to greatest mystery case files prime suspects the world of sarcasm is far more significant than his 6 wiener points would indicate. He has been in on numerous sarcastic wiener nominations and has graciously served as the "set-up man" for countless sarcastic barbs. Like basketball's sixth man (and by that I mean the first person off the bench, not the stupid fans), Mr. Ahrens works towards a larger sarcastic goal with little regard for personal accomplishments -- his influence has often been said to be like that of an airplane flying "under the radar." The numerous floor burns on his knees are a testament to his dedication to the game.

Been a wiener since: September 4, 2001
Best wiener: March 19, 2002: for wondering whether someone was a part of the "bitching and moaning squad" that sprung up with the new plan for the Help Desk.
For more information: MyTungsten.NET