as we may blog

I think a lot about how people do stuff. I think about their motivations for doing something, the way they actually do the thing, and how they feel about it when they’re done (if they ever finish).

So imagine my delight when I came across this Microsoft tutorial today (incidentally, this came up when I searched for "cursor" in Visio Help): Plan a vegetable garden with Microsoft Visio.

My first thought was "Who the hell would ever do this?" As a newly-minted member of the workforce my immediate second thought was that the poor sucker who put this together probably had to endure a meeting or two about planning gardens with Visio.

This whole post is pretty much a strawman argument against designing around features instead of experiences. Just because one could conceivably use diagramming software to plan a garden doesn’t mean there’s any customer need or desire to do such a thing. I guess I should be happy there isn’t a Plan My Garden wizard.

All that said, I couldn’t resist the opportunity to share with my loyal blog readers my new knowledge about how to plant a garden. Good luck!

How to plant a vegetable garden

1. Set up the drawing page orientation
   Remember to go to your garden’s Page Setup if it is wider than it is tall!
2. Set a drawing scale
3. Outline the garden plot
   Don’t forget to use the Pencil tool on your garden if you want curved lines!
4. Create vegetable shapes
5. Store the vegetable shapes for later use
   Store those perennials in your Vegetables stencil! Remember that eggplant is Master.0.

Soft Rock 104.5 KDAT switched to their all holiday music, all the time format today. In essence, I’ve substituted Will to Power’s "Baby I Love Your Way/Freebird Medley" and Shania Twain’s sassy but grammatically incorrect "That Don’t Impress Me Much" for a choir of dogs barking "Jingle Bells" and the occasional Mannheim Steamroller on my ride to work for the next 5+ weeks.

Fortunately, just when I think the whole world’s gone mad, Trafffic Director Mike Neilly’s right there to tell me if the traffic flow in Eastern Iowa is "slow and go" or "a walk in the park."

One hour ago:

Gateway E-4200
300 MHz Pentium II
128 MB RAM
6 GB hard drive
CD-ROM
1024×768 17″ display with SuperCurve™ technology
A sometimes-patched version of Windows 2000 Pro
Eu-freakin’-dora

Now:

Dell Optiplex GX260
2.4 GHz Pentium 4
512 MB RAM
40 GB hard drive
DVD/CD-RW, Zip drives
1280×1024 17″ flatscreen LCD
A secure (but exceedingly ugly) Windows XP Pro
Mozilla Thunderbird!

As mandated by Chapter 14, §432.43a of The Professional Secretary’s Handbook, a Secretary II at The University of Iowa dutifully reported the changing of the seasons to the rest of the office at 10:22 AM Wednesday, October 29, 2003, noting that there was "a little bit of sleet out there." As mandatory weather reporters, secretaries are bound to quickly, accurately, and responsibly disseminate current conditions should they be (quoting from §432.43a, paragraph 34) "unusually adverse, inclement, or otherwise remarkable or likely to spark intra-office concern or chatter."

The secretary went on to speculate that it didn’t look like the sleet would be particularly long-lived, but that "it sure is chilly out there." He then blew on his hands and allowed the warm breath to reflect back on his apple-y cheeks for emphasis.

OUR PLAYERS
PROFESSOR. In a constant state of disarray, this character relies heavily on office staff for quotidian functions such as printing, scheduling, and confirming.
SECRETARY. Our protagonist, stuck in a job he never liked because of his own reluctance to take charge of his life, finds most people annoying but has perfected a cheery, sing-song “good morning!” greeting for all who enter the office between the hours of 8 am and 11:59 am.
OFFICE MANAGER. SECRETARY’s boss.

Wednesday, 6:14 pm. PROFESSOR sends an e-mail to OFFICE MANAGER noting that an unnamed 3rd party failed to receive a hotel reservation form that was supposedly faxed earlier in the day.

Thursday, 7:32 am. OFFICE MANAGER forwards PROFESSOR’s e-mail to SECRETARY, with only the following cryptic line of instruction: "please do as PROFESSOR instructs." Attached to the e-mail is FORM3.DOC.

Thursday, 7:51 am. SECRETARY arrives at office invigorated and excited for the upcoming workday. Receives e-mail from OFFICE MANAGER, sets to work doing as PROFESSOR instructs (via OFFICE MANAGER).

Thursday, 8:07 am. SECRETARY opens FORM3.DOC and notices that it is blank. Clearly, the 3rd party requested a "filled-out" form, so SECRETARY is confused. Re-reads intial request from PROFESSOR, then e-mails PROFESSOR for clarification.

Thursday, 8:34 am. PROFESSOR replies to SECRETARY’s e-mail and confirms SECRETARY’s suspicions that OFFICE MANAGER had the original filled-out form all along.

Thursday, 8:50 am. SECRETARY returns from his weekly shredding duties and receives PROFESSOR’s 8:34 reply. SECRETARY composes polite e-mail informing OFFICE MANAGER that filled out form was given to OFFICE MANAGER by PROFESSOR on Wednesday and should be in OFFICE MANAGER’s possession. SECRETARY offers to fax the completed form if OFFICE MANAGER puts it in his box, which is roughly five feet away from OFFICE MANAGER’s desk.

Thursday, 9:04 am. OFFICE MANAGER replies to SECRETARY’s e-mail, informs SECRETARY that the filled out form is in the file cabinet next to OFFICE MANAGER’s desk.

Thursday, 9:15 am. Visibily agitated, SECRETARY has decided not to fax the form until SECRETARY damn well pleases. SECRETARY opens notepad.exe and begins chronicling the progression of this administrative comedy of errors.

Thursday, 9:25 am. PROFESSOR stops by SECRETARY’s desk to inquire about status of form faxing. SECRETARY retrieves form from file cabinet next to OFFICE MANAGER’s desk, fills out fax cover sheet and records the fax on the clipboard. SECRETARY notices that there is no record of this form being faxed on Wednesday as originally instructed by PROFESSOR to OFFICE MANAGER.

Time taken to fax form sitting in OFFICE MANAGER’s file cabinet: 15 hours, 11 minutes.
Distance from file cabinet to fax machine: roughly 11 feet.
Parties consulted: 3.