as we may blog

On the line this week: two delicious Guinness, as the one from last week carries over to this week by virtue of the 4-4 tie in Week 1.

Lots of drama this week. Four of the five games are a wash, as we both picked the same teams in each game. Furthermore, independently of each other, we each chose Wisconsin as our lock of the week. What does this mean? It all hinges on The Game (not the hip-hop rapper). #1 Ohio State at Iowa, 8 pm Saturday evening. Should Ohio State win by more than 7 points, I get Guinness. Any other outcome and Robert wins.

What I really want to focus on here, folks, is Robert’s complete lack of support for the Iowa Hawkeye football team. As any life-long Hawkeye football fan will tell you, the team plays best when fan expectations are low. By picking the nation’s top ranked team to cover the spread, I have done my duty as a TRUE Iowa fan. I, along with thousands of other pessimistic Hawkeye fans, have turned over the Chevrolet keys to the game to the High Plains God of the Intercollegiate Football Upset. All we can do now is sit back with a beer and expect the worst to unfold in high definition on live national TV.

Let me put this another way: I would happily pay two Guinness for an Iowa win (or respectable loss). Robert’s refusal to make the same sacrifice reeks of covert Cyclonism, and I am using my home blog advantage this week to call him out on it. Robert, explain yourself. Explain to the world why you won’t give up two measly pints of beer to ensure an Iowa win (or respectable loss).

Your Week 2 Pick Matrix

No one thinks much of Indiana.

Turn up your speakers and listen to the recording the Iowa City Council and Stepping Up don’t want you to hear.

Closet sustains minor damage!
Flying trub causes no injuries

Figure 1.1: Yeast

A routine quality control check at a local closet brewery uncovered alarming
evidence that the brewery’s newest creation, an American pale ale, was on the
verge of a major explosion. The discovery sent managers and brewery
workers alike scrambling for cover as a brownish mixture of partially-fermented
beer, yeast, and trub seeped out menacingly while the airlock continued to bubble with a barely-restrained fury. A senior brewery official
who spoke with us on the condition of anonymity told us that a vigorous fermentation–not
unheard of for APA-style beers–created a massive buildup of carbon dioxide
inside the 6.5 gallon plastic fermenter (see Figure 1.1). This pressure eventually
forced krausen through
the airlock, a development that, if allowed to continue, would have eventually
clogged the airlock and then blown it sky high with the force of ten Pinatubos.

Dangerous and unpredictable, a Three Mile Island–but not yet a Chernobyl–in the brew closet. Note the dried trub on the beautiful dark purple closet wall. Click image for larger view.

With nothing to lose but his life, an intrepid brewery peon quickly hatched
a plan of action while his bosses cowered in fear nearby. Covering the bucket
with a garbage bag, he quickly moved it to a nearby art gallery, where nothing
of value would be damaged should the explosion occur. Quickly, he grabbed his
wallet, a car key, and a normal black jacket and proceeded to rig up a trip
to the local Home Depot where it was rumored plastic tubing could be purchased
by the foot.

Tubing galore! After several minutes of deliberation, our handsome hero grabbed
a coil of hollowed out plastic of appropriate size and dashed for the exit. Halfway to the register,
a man dressed only in plaid took it upon himself to block the escape, delaying
attention to the beer by several seconds. Though that
man will remain unnamed, it goes without saying that he jeopardized the
safety of dozens of men with his aisle blocking antics.

Upon returning, the brewery brainiac quickly constructed a makeshift blowoff
tube. Somewhere, Richard Dean Anderson shed a tear. The beer had been saved
for now — the CO₂ could escape through the blowoff tube and into
a gallon of sanitized water.

Despite the initial success in preventing a Chernobyl-type explosion, the brewery
remains at level amber–or heightened–state of alert tonight. Once the initial
burst of vigorous fermentation dies down, the brewery must act fast to switch
out the blowoff hose with the normal airlock to prevent the intake of deadly
AIR (la biere est pres de moi? haha!) which could do irreperable harm to the
yeast. Brewmasters are on hand with hydrometers, flashlights, and tasting spoons
to monitor the beer’s condition through the night.

The entire contraption. Please no colostomy jokse. Click for a larger image.	Close up view of the blowoff tube affixed to plastic airlock. The brownish liquid is part partially fermented beer, part rum (which is what I filled the airlock with originally). The whole mess smelled like some wonderful alcoholic bread. Click for a larger image.

I meant to post this yesterday with the other Guinness-related story: Secret ‘Essence of Guinness’ Exported to Africa

For centuries, a mysterious ingredient has been used to make Ireland’s famous creamy black stout. Until now, the undisclosed component has been a closely guarded secret behind the imposing walls of the drink giant’s St. James’s Gate headquarters in Dublin.

But soaring demand from Africa, where Guinness is seen as a macho drink and nicknamed "Viagra" after the virility drug, has led to severe capacity constraints.

That in turn has forced the company for the first time to let the secret slip away from Dublin, and into a $50 million modern plant in Waterford in the southeast.

Soaring African demand… Guinness… Viagra… I wish I could say this is all news to me.

EGGHEADS EXPLAIN EFFERVESCENCE! GUINNESS BUBBLES BAFFLE CHEM-MEN, CAROUSERS!

Stanford researchers prove yet again that it’s not a groundbreaking scientific discovery unless it’s put to video and given a snappy background score.