as we may blog

Likely you will encounter many colorful personalities during your visit to an online sports discussion forum. Feel free to use this handy primer both before and during your experience to familiarize yourself with the different varieties of fan you are bound to meet. Note that I use the masculine in referring to these message board posters because, let’s face it, any potential female poster would have the good sense to realize after reading a mere handful of posts not to wade in this cesspool of the damned.

One Game At A Time Guy. The voice of caution in an online sports community. This guy is a sobering reminder that The Predictor, if allowed to predict unchecked, will usually end up disappointed "at the end of the day." Note that the following example emits traces of the Selective CAPS Guy as well.

ONE GAME at a Time
Purdue first, and a win there … that would make it three Big 10 wins in a row (looking at four straight with the Rodents visiting Iowa City). Purdue will be the biggest test by far. If we win the game Saturday, I like our chances at 3-0 to end the season much better. Go Hawks!!!

ALL CAPS GUY. Pretty much a standard character on any message board, this doofus brings discussion to a screeching halt with his rampant CAPSism. Typically ALL CAPS GUY is unaware of his message board faux pas, except in all-out flamewars, in which case his message loses much of its punch as the eyes of intended targets glaze over at the sight of so many capital letters. ALL CAPS GUYs usually have monstrous spelling deficiencies as well; remember that TEH = the, HAWS = Hawks, and 1 = !. Expect to see several chiding posts directly after his with messages like "Dude turn off caps lock" or "stop yelling." I’ll spare you a sample, you know the drill.

Selective CAPS Guy. Personally, I don’t think you can get a better bang for your entertainment buck if you’re watching Selective CAPS Guy do his thing. If you come across a highly skilled Selective CAPS Guy, don’t let him out of your digital sight! His unique cadence combined with elements of schizophrenia and Tourette’s will leave you entertained for hours.

GAMEDAY FACT OF THE DAY, HELL, FACT OF THE YEAR….
The GAMEDAY Staff just put up a LIST of TEAMS with the WORST RECORDS of ALLTIME against TOP 5 OPPONENTS and guess who was at the TOP of the HEAP? Yes, the CLOWNS. 0-50-2 AGAINST top 5 Teams. HOW FRICKIN EMBARRASSING! You’d think that ONCE they could have STUMBLED or BUMBLED their way to 1 win? No, not happening. It’s BORDERLINE PATHETIC actually.

There are 2 kinds of people.Those that are HAWKEYES,and those that WISH they were HAWKEYES!IMHO!

The Pessimist. This guy always fears the worst. No, more accurately, he expects the worst, and usually will go on to elucidate in stunning detail just how he expects the team to beef it. It’s somewhat ironic that even when expectations are so low, The Pessimist is usually the first to post his extreme disappointment with a heartbreaking loss or sour end to the season. What were you expecting, guy? Though it should be noted that when it comes to collegiate athletics, The Pessimist is frequently correct in his prognostications, as most college contests are lost rather than won. The Pessimist is the older sibling of the I’d Rather Be Right Than Have The Team Win Guy.

Purdue 24 – Iowa 13. Iowa will not be able to do much of anything offensively. The D will go with the bend but don’t break philosphy. Unfortunately, being on the field all day will result in quite a few passing yards and hence some points. I also think we’ll lose the turnover battle again. And don’t forget, the Clowns are our only road win (a game still played in Iowa where home field advantage is debatable)

The Predictor. The fun thing about The Predictor is not so much that he predicts the final scores of games yet to be played. The fun thing is the amazing minutae that The Predictor may foresee. Halfback triple reverse for an 82 yard gain? Yep, The Predictor called it. 27-19 score 5 minutes into the third quarter with the opposition driving deep into the "red zone?" You heard it here first.

The Hawkeyes offense will be resurrected with Jermelle back and Mo causing a ruckus in the Purdue secondary. Our defense will make the Purdue QB cry like last year. The camera will show Orton on the sideline crying like a little girl after Roth blindsides him causing him to cough up blood.

Iowa: 34
Purdue: 10

Brevity Guy. Typically a breath of fresh air, this guy usually employs cutting sarcasm to great effect. Unfortunately, nine times out of ten on a sports message board, the target of Brevity Guy’s wit is usually unaware that he’s been lampooned and will reply with what he feels is a cutting and triumphant "Nice comeback, pansy ass" retort. Brevity Guy’s contributions are vastly underrated, on the whole.

We are all now dumber for even attempting to read this post. Gphillips is an idiot.

The Namecaller. The real gift of The Namecaller is his knack for calling people names at the most baffling times. Whether it’s pre-emptively calling a fellow poster an idiot or responding in kind with references to homosexual behavior, The Namecaller is an entertaining and offensive addition to the sports message board community.

Wow, you’re a homo. Nice stab at trash talk Rainbow Bright.

The We Guy. This guy thinks he’s on the team. With stunning command of the royal we, The We Guy makes sure every reference to his beloved team contains references to "we," "us," and "our." Ninety percent of the time, The We Guy is also a fairweather fan, meaning that when the team starts to lose, "we" mysteriously and abruptly morphs into "they" for purposes of assigning blame. Not a pretty transformation by any means.

Not to be Mr. Negative, but we need our B game Saturday being that we have lost two games on the road already this year we would need for us to play our A- OR B game to have any chance at Purdue. we played, in my opinion, a C- game at Michigan State and a C+ game at Ohio State. we can not have any turnovers OR special team mistakes this weekend if we have any chance on winning. we might be ranked higher than Purdue, but everyone, i mean the experts, know that Purdue “should” win this game. if we can establish the run early and take some pressure off of Chandler we “might” be able to win this game. both defenses are equal (like Ohio State) but the Purdue has the better offense. right now i would say that Purdue wins by 10. we haven’t done well there in the past, unlike Penn St. or Michigan. what do i know? (4th in pick ‘em). this might be the hardest game to judge so far this season!! i just want to see half of the offense we had last last year AND WE WIN THIS GAME.

This entry was posted on Thursday, November 6th, 2003 at 3:27 pm and is filed under Sports!. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.